


Why not this time?

by Sugusday



Category: UNB (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 08:34:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15703626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugusday/pseuds/Sugusday
Summary: For a while, Hansol thought he didn’t know what had gotten into him, being affected by every single thing Jun did or said to him. The huge problem was that deep inside he did know, but he was having a hard time admitting it. And when he couldn’t deny it anymore and finally accepted his strong crush on his friend, he was just so mad at himself for letting it happen.





	Why not this time?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually write stories but I wrote this fic for a friend's B-day and I've decided to post it here.  
> English is not my first language and I might have made up some expressions or include some that are not quite exactly like that.  
> I tried not to, so please don't hold it against me <3 
> 
> I hope you Junsol shippers enjoy it.  
> Let me know your opinion in the comments!

Their flight is almost over and Hansol has done nothing but stare through the window the whole time. He hasn’t got a wink of sleep all night, and then he has only managed to take a short twenty-minute nap on their way to the airport.

A lovely couple has let him have the first row, so he can spread his injured leg comfortably. He has tried leaning against the window and even closed his eyes for a while, but it hasn’t worked either.

The passengers around him are quiet, so he can hear some of his teammates chatting in a low voice several rows behind him. The rest of them are surely sleeping like babies.

Jun is also sleeping beside him, head resting on his shoulder. His body is leaned towards Hansol’s and his hands are resting loosely on his own lap. He seems to have trusted himself to the elder, because he is sleeping so peacefully Hansol is surprised he’s not drooling yet.

A shiver goes up his spine every time Jun’s head moves a little and his bangs tickle Hansol’s exposed collarbone. Internally, he curses summer and wide collar shirts. Jun’s wearing his hair a little longer than usual, and that’s not doing any favours to Hansol’s sanity.

Whereas the elder is resolved to ignore it, he can’t. Besides his leg hurting like the devil, that’s mostly what has kept him awake so far. Being in this position for too long has started to make his arm feel numb, but Jun seems so deep in sleep that Hansol hasn’t found the strength to wake him up. Or push his head off his shoulder.

For a while, he thought he didn’t know what had gotten into him, being affected by every single thing his friend did or said to him. The huge problem was that deep inside he did know, but he was having a hard time admitting it. And when he couldn’t deny it anymore and finally accepted his strong crush on his friend, he was just so mad at himself for letting it happen.

During the survival, he and Jun grew really close. Closest than anyone, he’d presume. Even though the program has given them more happy moments than bad ones, the pressure of it all was really tough to endure sometimes, and they’ve found in each other the strength they needed to keep fighting. From then on, their relationship has done nothing but improve.

Obviously, that doesn’t mean they don’t care for the rest of the members. The closeness has become key to their relationship. That kind of special care that grows within a group of people that shares a unique life experience. So no one would comment anything on their casual hand holding or their skinship, –or resting their heads’ in each other’s shoulders just for the sake of it–, because there is no further meaning to it than that. 

Until one day there is.

Jun is a caring person by nature, and now that Hansol is injured, he’s not letting him out of his sight. Hansol is trying very hard not to read too much into it, but now that he can’t stop thinking about it, he believes there has always been something different about all of Jun’s little touches and gestures towards the elder. A hand that lingers on him longer than necessary, all that need for body contact every few minutes. Or even a glance that is quickly diverted as if it’s wrong to be looking. Or maybe that’s simply who Jun is and Hansol is looking for things that don’t exist.

Sometimes he lets himself dream and think there may actually be a hidden meaning behind Jun’s actions. The next minute he feels terribly wrong just for having thought about it. Most of the time he’s sure he’s just going crazy.

But either way, there’s something addictive about it. So even though Hansol can take care of himself perfectly fine, in the end he is unable to turn down Jun’s affections. He tries to ignore his feelings, but the problem is he doesn’t know how and just ends craving for Jun more and more. It’s truly making it very difficult for him to concentrate on their current promotions, or sleeping for that matter.

***

 

The ride to the hotel is quiet. They’re all tired from this morning’s recordings, despite the excitement for holding their first concert in Japan. The only one talking is Kijung, who is the most nervous of them all and can’t stop babbling about tomorrow. Chan is seated next to him, and Hansol is sure he’s only pretending to pay attention to what the _maknae_ is saying, because he looks as if he’s one minute away from yelling at him.

Behind them, Hansol has managed to take the middle seat next to Jun, who doesn’t seem willing to sleep anymore. The seat on his other side is occupied by Hojung, who seems to be absorbed in some sitcom he’s been watching on his phone at every opportunity.

All of a sudden, a warm breath tickles his ear and Hansol jumps a little at the sensation. Jun snorts beside him, “I bet you my dessert Chan won’t last another five minutes”, he whispers in Hansol’s ear, letting his head half-rest on his shoulder again. The elder thinks he has taken a liking to this position. Not that he’s complaining.

He’s wearing one of Hansol’s hoodies he has borrowed from him back at the dorm. Tokyo is still chilly at night, so he had put it on right after getting off of the plane.

“Are we betting again?” Hansol asks. “Why do you like losing so much?” he teases, and feels Jun pinching his upper arm in response. He feigns pain and slaps his fingers smoothly, to what the younger only beams. Last time it didn’t go so well for Jun, who had to do Hansol’s laundry for a week, yet he seems to have forgotten. In the end, Hansol took pity on the younger and ended doing most of the job himself. But that’s not the point.

“Okay I’m gonna be a good hyung and say ten,” Hansol snorts, amused. “He’s been doing great so far.”

“Well in that case… Should I get ice cream or pie for my second dessert?” Jun says, teasingly. He’s playing with the hoodie string, rolling it up and down his fingers.

Hansol lets out a tired laugh.

Then the exhaustion must be visible on his face, because the younger looks up at him from his shoulder and furrows his brow in concern. He becomes very aware of the younger breathing against his neck.

“You look terrible.” Their bet is already forgotten. “Have you slept at all?”

“You’re so flattering,” Hansol laughs again. He has every intention of avoiding the question, but Jun’s expression is serious now.

Jun leans back an inch to take a proper look at the elder, and Hansol forces himself to look anywhere but at his friend. They’re still rather close, but he feels his shoulder getting cold from the absence.

He knows the younger isn’t letting him get away with it, so he shrugs and adds, “not much,” then lets his head fall back to the headrest and gives him half the truth.

“It’s just that the pain isn’t letting me sleep.”

“I thought it was getting better.” As an afterthought, he adds, “they shouldn’t have made you dance last week.” Hansol has listened to the younger complain about that too many times over the week. So he pouts instead of answering, tilting his face to look at him again.

Being this close, he can’t help but fix his gaze on the small mole below Jun’s right eye. He’s always thought it really pretties up his face. And he likes it, a lot. He dreams maybe someday Jun will let him kiss it. Immediately after, he feels a pang of guilt for thinking such a thing.

It’s taking him a little too long to answer, and it’s Jun’s elbow poking softly against his ribs what shakes him out of his daydreaming.

“You know I want to be a part of it, like everyone.” He pauses and lowers his voice. “It’s not the same if it’s not all of us and I don’t want the fans to be disappointed in me.”

“ _Hyung_ , the fans care for your health. They’d understand,” Jun says. “So do we.”

“Anyway, now I don’t have a choice.”

He sighs with defeat, because he’s really tired and doesn’t want to go over this conversation again. Right after, he kicks Jun’s foot playfully with his own.

“I hope they don’t make me go up the stage with the crutch at least,” he says, moving his hand to massage his own leg above the knee, trying to ease the pain a little bit.

Jun seems to understand and his features soften. “Think about it,” he offers. “Your leg may help us get the biggest room at the hotel,” he teases.

Hansol knows he’s only joking, but he can’t help but smile at the fact that Jun is making it clear he wants to room with him, but without actually having bothered to ask. And he knows. He knows he can’t let his heart jump at every little thing, but it’s hard and his heart has stopped listening to his mind long ago.

Despite his inner struggle, he manages to ask, “do you think that will work? Maybe we’ll get to eat in bed too.” He hears himself and clears his throat to hide his awkwardness. It’s not a good idea to think of anything near a bed right now. But Jun just beams at him and lets his head fall back to the elder’s shoulder.

He sighs.

After some minutes of silence, Jun lifts up his hand and runs his fingers along the pair of restrainers tightened around Hansol’s thigh. The gesture seems absentminded, but Hansol isn’t sure. Then he hears him whisper, “let me,” and feels Jun’s hand running slowly down his thigh, only to reach his own hand and push it away to take its place.

Hansol holds his breath through the whole thing, but stays still, unable to do anything about it and hoping his own heart doesn’t betray him. Jun is too close to his chest and he’s sure he will hear it if it goes faster.

Jun presses his long fingers against his leg and starts massaging him in slow motions just like Hansol was doing a moment ago. Only it’s not the same, because it’s Jun’s hand and they may be used to intimacy but this is too much and he doesn’t know if it is going to help him with the pain or drive him mad once and for all. He’s torn between keeping his body tense or giving himself to the touch, because the sensation is too good. Also, he’s sure he has started blushing at some point, so he’s glad Jun is not looking at him right now.

He can’t stop himself from eyeing Hojung nervously to make sure he doesn’t notice, as if what they’re doing is too intimate to be seen. However, to Hansol’s relief, his friend seems as immersed in the series as before. Jun, for his part, is probably unaware of the elder’s inner struggle and seems determined to be torturing Hansol for the rest of the ride.

 

***

 

It’s seven in the morning when a warm hand in his shoulder wakes him up.

Hansol opens his eyes slowly, feeling disoriented. He remembers waking up about two hours ago and start reading on his phone for a while. He guesses he must have fallen back asleep at some point, so at least this time he has rested for some hours.

Before he can fully adjust to the light that comes through the window, something cold drops right on his face and his muscles flinch in reflex. When he finally focuses his gaze, he sees Jun staring at him from above, with a smile on his face and his hair dripping from the shower.

“Jun? Why are you already up? What time is it?” He sits up on the bed and takes a look at his phone on the bedside table.

“Ah… I changed your alarm,” he says, apologetically.  “I’m sorry, hyung. I wanted to let you rest, but rehearsal starts in an hour.” Then offers, “the water’s hot, if you want to take a quick shower.”

Jun ruffles Hansol’s hair with affection and goes to sit on his own bed, bending forwards to put on his sneakers.

“Do I smell that bad?”, he jokes, taking the front of his t-shirt with two fingers to shake it and fan himself.

Jun snorts, ‘tsking _’_ at the question.

“Oh yeah, that’s what woke me up,” Jun jokes back, tying his shoelaces quickly.

Jun is wearing a thin tank top that serves him as an undershirt, and from this angle Hansol can see his pale chest, which has gotten pinkish from the heat of the shower. It’s not as if they haven’t seen each other half-naked every now and then, but now that Hansol is very aware of his own feelings, his physical attraction to Jun hasn’t done anything but grow as well.

He looks away and runs a hand through his hair in despair, focusing entirely on getting up of the bed. Jun is there immediately, handing him the crutch that was leaning against the foot of his bed. Hansol smiles at him in gratitude, but waves it aside.  

“I can walk, _Jun-ah._ ” He says, but makes an effort not to limp too much on his way to the bathroom. “C’mon, go down or you’ll miss breakfast.”

“It’s okay, I’ll wait for you. Just don’t spend too much time on your hair and we’ll get there before we have to leave.”

“Hey, you’re the one that made me oversleep,” he says, and can’t resist pinching Jun’s waist as he passes by. He knows Jun only wanted to do him a favour, so he speaks gently. Then adds already from the doorframe, “I promise I’ll cry for help if I can’t climb one tiny step to get in the shower.” He sees Jun’s intention of throwing his own hoodie at him in response, but he shuts the door in time.

Once inside, Hansol strips off his clothes clumsily and stands in front of the mirror to examine himself for a moment. His hair is a mess and he still seems tired, but at least the bags under his eyes are not so visible now. He guesses a cold shower will help to clear his mind and give him some energy for the day.

Fifteen minutes later, Hansol steps out of the bathroom with a towel hanging loosely around his waist – _it won’t stay still,_ _the damn thing_ – and feeling refreshed. He sees Jun rummaging through his suitcase in search for something, dancing to the beat of ‘Black Heart’, which is on his iphone. Hansol stands there for some moments to stare and smile at the show.

He notes Jun has decided to put on one of his t-shirts again, along with the hoodie tied around his waist. They have been doing that since they first roomed together, sharing clothes and accessories, so they have reached a point where none of them asks before borrowing clothes from the other.

He turns around when he hears sound behind him, and then Hansol sees he’s also wearing the golden wire glasses he likes so much. He coughs once to hide he has been staring and heads to his own suitcase.

Hansol can feel Jun looking at him sideways, his gaze lingering up and down his nude torso, and he suddenly feels very self-conscious. He takes in a tight grip the side of the towel that has exposed part of his hipbone and turns around at the same time his friend does. The situation feels tremendously absurd.

“Have you seen my black shirt? The one with the white stripes,” Hansol asks with the sole purpose of masking his embarrassment.

“Eh…” Jun fumbles. “I think I saw it in the laundry basket yesterday at home,” he finally says.

“Oh, okay. Help me choose then.”

He does so, after Hansol has put on some underwear and pants as fast as he has managed. Meanwhile, Jun has kept himself occupied by folding some shirts to avoid looking at his friend again.

Eventually, once they’re both dressed and ready to go, Hansol hesitates at the door before opening it and turns around to face Jun. A sudden boldness takes over him, so he leans closer to the younger and takes the glasses off from his face in a gentle move, allowing himself the privilege of grazing Jun’s hair with his fingers. Then, he puts the glasses on himself instead.

For what seems like the longest three seconds ever, they stand there just looking at each other in the eyes. He expects Jun to say something about it, but the younger mimics his little smile and doesn’t complain at all. Hansol even thinks he’s seen him blush for a second there. He wishes he hasn’t imagined it.

Somehow, they still manage to make it just in time to have a decent breakfast before leaving the hotel.

***

 

 

There are some technical problems and rehearsals take longer than expected, so the boys spend their entire day at the concert venue. When they are finally able to take a break they have a late lunch and entertain themselves a little bit after, while they wait until it’s time for them to get dressed. The concert is due to start at eight o’clock, but they have to be ready by seven, and that includes all the nine of them getting their hair and make up done. It’s nearly eight o’clock when nerves start to flourish inside the backstage, and the most experienced members try to calm the others, even though they’re all edgy.

Despite of the confidence he shows on stage –or on everything else, for that matter–, Jun is always the most anxious before a performance. And when he’s nervous, his palms get sweaty. But he needs reassurance and it’s always Hansol who holds his hands and whispers comfort words like “it’s gonna be fine”, “you’re amazing” or “you’ve practiced this so many times” in his ear, because it works to help him calm every single time.

Hansol is a bit nervous too, but he’s not an expressive person and generally keeps his emotions for himself. Also, he has been given a stool to sit down through the performances, so he can afford being a little more relaxed this time. Even with all of his efforts to convince their CEO, he hasn’t given in, so Hansol has finally accepted his condition and given up himself. That means he’s not going to dance or even show up at any song with a choreography, so the pressure is not really the same for him.

*

In the end, Hansol only goes up on stage for four songs, including the encore. For the second part of the concert, they give him a privileged seat on one of the upper platforms of the theatre that is reserved for press and staff members. After the MC talk, the remaining songs include some dance moves, so he’s ordered to stay there until he has to show up for the encore again.

Hansol lets his arms rest on the banister in front of him and then rests his head on them. It feels a bit odd to see his teammates from this perspective, being on the other side of the stage. It’s strange not to be performing there with them in such an important event, but the fanchants sound louder from where he is, and he feels nothing but pride towards his group at seeing what they have achieved since everything started.

At some point during ‘Only One’, he has stopped watching the rest of the members to watch only Jun, and he hasn’t been able to take his eyes off him ever since. He has seen him singing and dancing a million times, but there is no possible comparison between a rehearsal and a performance. In the latter, you’re there to give yourself entirely to the public.

That’s exactly what Jun is doing, and Hansol now has the luxury to experience it first-hand. Jun puts so much passion into every move and note that watching him on stage is hypnotizing. Hansol realizes he has never been more aware of his feelings for Jun, but together with the realization and the wanting comes the ache. And the frustration.

He hates it.

Later, when it’s Jun’s turn to sing the second chorus, he lifts up his gaze to set his eyes directly on Hansol’s and his heart skips a beat. Doubt takes over him for a second, but when Jun doesn’t look away he’s sure it is deliberate. His expression is matched with the lyrics and his eyes are almost pleading. And Hansol can do nothing but hold his gaze and melt into it. The fans have gone silent to let the boys sing and for a few seconds it’s like everything around them disappears and they’re alone in the theatre.

It’s smart, one may think, because he’s lifted his head slightly enough for it not to be too noticeable to the fans or the cameras around him, who would think it’s all just directed at them. But Hansol knows better. He has felt those eyes on him dozens of times, but never this intense. He holds Hansol’s gaze for a big part of Chan’s lines, and it’s not until he has to sing the high note that he closes his eyes.  

Their interactions are usually playful, more or less intimate, more or less childish, but always motivated. But this is something else, something more serious and too meaningful to do it on the spur of the moment. Because there can’t be other meaning behind it than the one Hansol hopes it is.

It’s right on that moment that he realizes wanting Jun to like him back may be not completely ridiculous and decides that whatever little hope there might be, he will hang to it as if his life depended on it.

A half and a song later, he comes back on stage to join his teammates for the encore, but his mind is elsewhere. Jun doesn’t interact with him through it, doesn’t even look at him for a second. And he doesn’t seek him out either, because his head is spinning. And focusing on letting his lines right is difficult enough right now.

 

***

 

Hansol has been very quiet since the incident earlier.

After the concert, Jun had gone back to normal around everyone but him. He was laughing and chatting with their teammates and Hansol tried to approach him in a few occasions in the backstage just to be near him again. But Jun has avoided talking or even looking at him for the rest of the evening. He has also made sure they took separated seats on their ride to the hotel. As soon as they have reached the car, he has taken the front seat with the pretext of feeling sick. Hansol knows the younger gets dizzy in the car sometimes, but he has never avoided him so openly before and Hansol can’t help feeling hurt anyway.

For the first time he had thought there may be a tiny possibility that Jun’s feelings match his. But as he has started giving him the cold shoulder, Hansol’s hopes have deflated. He must have misunderstood it all. Perhaps, he has imagined it and Jun’s act was actually addressed to the cameras.

Hansol was so sure something important had changed between them back there, and now he feels like a fool. Maybe he was so eager for Jun to like him back that he just saw what he wanted to see. Probably, his feelings were written all over his face in that moment and Jun had noticed. So now he must be avoiding him so that the elder doesn’t expect something he can’t have.

He couldn’t stand the younger feeling awkward around him. Especially not because of him. And he couldn’t pretend everything was fine anymore so he had confined himself to his – _their_ – room. As soon as they arrived to the hotel, he said his goodnights and went right ahead to the elevator. And now here he is, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, without having bothered to change clothes. Besides, his leg hasn’t stopped hurting and he doesn’t think he’s going to fall asleep any time soon.

It may be about half an hour later when a weak knocking on the door shakes him out of his thoughts.

“Hyung? Are you awake?” Jun’s voice comes from the other side of the door. Hansol jumps at the sound. He’s still wondering if feigning sleep would work when the door opens and Jun comes in carrying a tray in his hands. Even though it’s also his, he enters the room with caution, as if he’s not sure he’s welcome.

“I brought you some food.” He leaves the tray in the little table next to Hansol’s bed and stands awkwardly right there, next to where the elder has sat up against the headboard. The apology is deep in his voice. “They’re celebrating downstairs and ordered all the good dishes from the menu.” He hesitates a moment before smiling.

 Hansol thinks that’s the purest thing he’s ever seen.

 “Seemed unfair that you missed it,” he finishes.

The fear of rejection is visible in his features, and Hansol doesn’t understand a thing. Despite the relief of Jun approaching him willingly again, Hansol doesn’t want him to act out of pity. Besides, he’s not ready yet to face any conversation that includes either an apology or a rejection. Maybe tomorrow when the night passes and he doesn’t feel so pathetic.

“I’m not hungry,” he snaps, looking away from his friend and down to his feet. In spite of everything, it comes out drier than he has intended it to, so he tries to mend it.

“I was about to go to sleep…” But he regrets it, because that’s a lie and Jun knows him best.

The younger gets the point and takes a couple of steps back to the door. His lips quirk up in a sad smile. “Sure, hyung, I’ll let you rest. Anyway, I should…” He seems to be searching for something that will excuse him while gesturing to the door.

After what feels like decades of silence, he simply says “Yeah, I should come back now. I will come up in a while.”

Hansol can see the hurt in Jun’s face and hates himself for it. Normally, he’s so confident that it’s almost painful to see him this lost in words.

Jun’s already halfway out in the corridor when the elder calls after him, “I ate after the concert.” He says on a whim. It may not be the wisest decision, but deep inside he knows the only option for him is to swallow his feelings and just accept whatever Jun’s willing to give him.

So he waits until Jun returns, a little too quickly.  

“I had to buy something from the vending machine back at the venue, because someone had eaten all the free snacks by himself”, he adds in a teasing tone. He hopes the younger reads his own apology in it.

Hansol is not very good with words, but Jun understands the invitation to come back in and embraces it. Hansol moves his good leg a little bit to the side to make room for Jun, in case he wants to join him on the bed, and the younger takes him up on his offer. He bends one leg over the mattress, so that they face each other.

Then Jun’s beautiful smile is back on his face and Hansol feels like he can breathe again.

“Ha,” the younger says. “I caught Euijin trying to sneak the last four chocolate buns in his pockets.” He snorts. “You should’ve seen his white pants, _noona_ started yelling at him like crazy. She made him change before leaving” he adds, biting back a laugh that is visible in his eyes.

Hansol remembers having heard his teammates laughing out loud earlier, but his mind was elsewhere.

“It serves him right,” he snaps, but he’s smiling at the thought. “I don’t remember the last time he tried to sneak out food and succeeded.”

“He should drop it, he’s really bad at it,” Jun says with amusement.

“Remember the first time we came to Japan?”

“Yeah, he even brought a paper bag with him. He said he didn’t want to let it all go to waste. Poor him, he was so embarrassed when they scolded him.”

 Hansol rests his head on the headboard and lets out another laugh.

Suddenly, he realizes Jun has stayed behind to make him company and it doesn’t seem he has any intention to come back down.

“You should get back, they’ll miss you downstairs,” he says.

“Are you kidding? There’s one less person to split the food. I’m sure they’re happy I left.”

“You haven’t eaten?” He raises his eyebrows in surprise. He’s a bit flattered about the fact that Jun had thought of bringing him food before having his own dinner. Then he remembers it’s not what it seems and shakes the thought off. “I’m not really that hungry, so we can share whatever you’ve brought me.”

There’s only one bowl and one pair of chopsticks, but Hansol takes the tray and rests it on his lap.

“It’s spicy ramen. The cook says it’s the best here,” Jun says, expectant.

Hansol removes the cover and blows away the steam coming out of the bowl. After having stirred the ramen properly, he takes some noodles with the chopsticks and offers them to Jun first. Jun leans forward not to spill anything on the sheets, supporting his weight in one hand next to Hansol’s thigh. The elder tries not to shiver at the closeness and forces himself to look away from Jun’s mouth as he slurps the soup.

It’s been months since they have last shared food like this, but it’s nice. It’s cosy and it brings back memories of the first days of rooming together. And they have got to eat dinner in bed, after all.

*

The younger has moved forwards on the mattress and is now sitting cross-legged, leaning even closer to Hansol every time the elder feeds him. The ramen is indeed the spiciest one they’ve had in ages, so even with the air conditioner on, Hansol has ended tying his bangs up in a small ponytail. Jun has parted his in half so that he can dry the drops of sweat on his forehead with the hoodie sleeve.

When the bowl is almost finished, Jun finally takes the hoodie off and throws it over his own bed. Hansol is wearing a short-sleeve T-shirt with nothing underneath and even though he’s still hot, it feels wrong taking it off right now.

“I should wash that,” Jun says.

“You know what, you can have it.” Hansol laughs when Jun eyes him suspiciously. Then he clarifies, “it’s not because of the sweat, I promise.” He snorts and hits Jun’s arm with the back of his hand. “I’m serious. You wear that one all the time so I’m giving it to you.”

“No, it’s fine. You don’t have to let me keep it.” He says. “I’m fine with you letting me borrow it.”

“I thought you liked it,” Hansol answers in surprise. He leaves the tray back on the table and slides down on the bed to sit more comfortably.

“It’s not that I don’t like it. I mean… Nevermind”. He stops whatever he was going to say and runs a hand through his hair while he thinks. The gesture is so sexy on him that Hansol can’t make himself look away this time.

“What is it?” Hansol reaches out tentatively and starts fidgeting with the hem of Jun’s jeans by his ankle.

A few seconds of silence pass until the younger says with a firm tone, “it’s not that I like it so much. I mean, I like it because it smells good,” like he was making a confession.

“Jun, we use the same conditioner on our clothes.”

He thinks that’s not what Jun implied, but decides not to give it too much thought. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake over again.

“Yeah, I know that,” he says. Then he gets up and disappears into the bathroom. On his way there Hansol hears him mumble to himself something like “that was creepy, Jun what’s wrong with you.”

*

Apparently, Jun had gone to take his second shower of the day. And he spends in there at least half an hour this time. When Hansol hears him come out of the bathroom, he has already put on his pyjamas, turn off the lights and rolled over in the bed so he’s facing the door. He has been trying to sleep, but he has not succeeded yet. It’s almost two in the morning and he has too many things running through his head.

He hears Jun rummaging quietly through his stuff and he pictures him putting on his pyjamas and sliding under the sheets.

After fifteen minutes of staring into the darkness, he can’t take it anymore and asks in a whisper.

“Jun, are you asleep?”

“Yeah.” He hears him snort.

There’s silence again.

“Is your leg bothering you?” he hears Jun whisper.

“Yeah…” The younger has provided him an excuse and he takes it.  He tries to remind himself how Jun has been avoiding him earlier, but Hansol can’t stop himself from seeking him out, as always. “Can you…” _Get over here?_

He doesn’t finish the question, but he’s sure Jun has understood him. He doesn’t know what to expect, but he asks anyway. They’ve done this sometimes, waking each other up when they can’t sleep to seek comfort on the other. Their talking and even the body contact in winter have been a great help drifting each other to sleep.

However, they have never said a word about it to anyone, not ever their teammates. It’s like they know no one would understand, so they have saved themselves the trouble of having to explain themselves. At first it wasn’t too much of a deal, but now that so much has been going on in his mind, Hansol realizes maybe it’s not something they’re supposed to do at all.

Jun must be thinking it over, because it’s not until some minutes later that he hears Jun’s sheets moving and Hansol’s heart starts to beat faster.

Then, Hansol rolls over and sees him approaching. He distinguishes his silhouette as much as the dim light of the room lets him. He moves aside and makes enough room for Jun to fit next to him. The younger slides under Hansol’s sheets, careful not to touch his injured leg in case he hurts him.

The two of them lie without touching for a while, until Jun reaches out for Hansol’s wrist to rest his fingers there and move them gently against his skin. Hansol goes still, and a million things pass through his mind. His confusion is bigger than earlier, but Jun’s body warmth is making him thoughtless, so he pretends he’s doing this only because of his injury.

Their touching it’s slow but progressive. Jun runs his fingers down Hansol’s arm to his waist, moving his body closer on the bed so he can rest his hand in the small of Hansol’s back above his waistband. Right where his t-shirt has rolled up a bit from all the shifting.  His heart is beating so fast now Hansol is sure it’s going to jump out of his chest at some point.

Jun’s fingers caress the skin there and Hansol trembles. There is absolutely no going back now, so Hansol takes the risk and in response, he reaches out and slides two fingers under Jun’s tank top, feeling the muscles of his abdomen tense in reflex beneath his touch. It’s just as smooth as Hansol expected, and he feels the need of kissing his way down Jun’s torso. Another shiver goes through him as Hansol grazes his waistband with his fingertips on their way out.

Right after that, he grabs Jun’s tank top by his abdomen and pulls a little so that the younger takes the hint and moves much closer. He does so, and now the distance between their bodies is almost non-existent. The only thing getting in the way are their legs, so Jun slides one of his legs between Hansol’s, leaving his injured one on top. Like this he can forward for their bodies to be pressed against each other completely.  

And just like that, they have crossed a line. It’s the first time they’re touching each other like this, so slow and intimate. But it’s becoming addictive, and feeling Jun is all Hansol wants right now so he lets it happen. He doesn’t want to think about what it means or how awkward it’s going to be tomorrow. No, he doesn’t want to think at all.

After a few more timid strokes here and there, Jun buries his head in the crook of his neck and Hansol breathes him in. He smells like a mix of soap and himself. It’s not much later when he hears the younger swallow, followed by a contact of something soft and warm against his neck.

The sensation is so good Hansol closes his eyes to enjoy it. It makes him shiver, and his body gets warmer as Jun starts to leave a slow trail of kisses up his neck and jaw. The moment he reaches Hansol’s lips he hesitates, but the elder meets him halfway. The kiss is chaste and tentative at first, just a brush of lips tasting the other’s, but the need for more is urgent in both of them and it becomes open-mouthed in no time.

Hansol can’t believe this is actually happening. Only a few hours ago he was sure Jun was avoiding him and now he’s here in his bed, kissing him senseless. But a dream wouldn’t feel so real, would it? When he admitted he couldn’t deny his attraction to Jun anymore, he had started to picture every type of scenario where this could happen. But then again, the actual thing exceeds all his expectations.

His fingers move on his own from Jun’s t-shirt to his hair and get tangled in it. In the meantime, Jun is trying to pull him closer by holding him tighter by the waist, as if it was possible. Soon enough, their breathing become irregular, but they keep kissing until they’re both starting to gasp in each other’s mouths.

Making out is more than fine, but now that he has got this, every fiber of his body trembles with want. The younger seems to feel the same because he pushes himself up and presses Hansol down to the mattress. The latter complies willingly, as he pulls Jun towards himself by the back of his neck so the kiss wouldn’t break.

Hansol notices Jun’s struggle to figure out how to climb on top of him without hurting his injury, so he pulls his legs apart enough for Jun to press his knee in the mattress between them. The younger thanks him by catching his lower lip with his teeth before lowering his head and start mouthing at his neck.

Now that he has both hands free he gets them under Hansol’s shirt to feel him up. The elder tilts his head back on the pillow and closes his eyes, letting himself enjoy the pleasure. Then, when one of his nipples is grazed by a finger, his hips lift on their own to press against Jun’s for a second, feeling the hardness in his lower body. The younger moans at the contact and Hansol goes completely red as he hadn’t seen it coming.

It’s the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard and he wants to get as many of that from Jun as he can. He repeats the motion and now it’s Jun’s turn to push down against him in response. It sends a pang of pleasure all over his body, so if he wasn’t already fully hard from all the kissing, he definitely is now.

However, realization of what they’re doing hits him like a ton of bricks.

“Wait, Jun…”, he whispers in Jun’s ear.

Seeing the younger has no intention to stop, he gathers the strength to push him by the chest. This time he moves back to look at Hansol. Confusion is all over his face, and his lips are plump from the kissing.

“We can’t... We can’t do this.” He doesn’t sound very convinced.

After all the time he’s spent wanting his feelings to be requited, he’s going to waste the opportunity? What’s wrong with him? Even if Jun wants it to be just physical, this is more that Hansol has ever dreamed.

But then again, he can’t help but think about all the problems this is going to cause. Love scandals can ruin an idol’s career and drag their whole group into it. Even for the idols who are discovered to be dating a girl, the consequences are often disastrous. So what is it going to happen if someone finds out about them?

“Why?”, Jun asks, half sitting back. Hansol leans forward and supports his weigh on his elbows, so he can take a better look at Jun.

“It’s wrong… We shouldn’t be together like this. I…” He doesn’t finish, because suddenly Jun is running his hand down to his waistband with determination, lowering his pants a bit to graze the sensible skin there. He doesn’t find it in himself to stop Jun’s hand, and whimpers when his fingers rest at the base of his erection.

“Jun…” He tries.

“I’m in love with you,” the younger says firmly. He lowers his head to follow the movement of his own hand with his eyes and adds, “I’ve been for a long time, I think.”

Hansol’s eyes widen in disbelief and the only thing that comes to him is a dry laugh. He can’t believe his ears. It’s not possible that Jun’s telling him this.

The confusion starts to grow in Jun’s features after Hansol’s reaction, as his lips part several times with the clear intention to say something, but nothing comes out.

“What is so funny?” He finally manages, getting on the defensive, but the hurt in his eyes gives him away. “Look, I think I’ve misunderstood the signals, I thought you wanted… that you… I’m sorry, hyung.”

Jun is starting to get up from the bed when Hansol bends forward and reaches Jun’s forearm in a pleading grip. After he has made sure Jun is not moving away anymore, he runs his fingers tenderly up his arm, letting them bury in the hair at his nape.

“It’s just…” He struggles for words, nervous as ever. “I didn’t think you’d like me back.”

The tension in the younger’s expression deflates immediately. A loving smile appears on his face as he bends down again to plant a single kiss in Hansol’s mouth. Gently, he resumes his touch in Hansol’s abdomen. But he must feel the insecurity on Hansol’s face, because he approaches his lips to his ear to whisper comfort words.

“It’s always you and me, remember? That’s all that counts,” he whispers in his ear, and the words feel familiar from their early days. Hansol realizes that he’s right. That having each other has always been enough for them. That he could die for Jun right know if he asked. And his feelings are apparently stronger than he is, so he gives up trying to fight them.

Jun urges him to raise his arms so he can take off Hansol’s t-shirt, so he does. Immediately after, he takes off his own t-shirt and throws both of them carelessly to the floor. Then Hansol sees Jun’s intention of kissing his way down his torso, but he thinks there is something he wants to try first. He lowers his hand and palms Jun’s erection over his pyjama bottoms, to what the younger lets out another moan.

Encouraged by the sound, he slides his fingers beneath his underwear, taking he younger in his hand and stroking him until he’s thrusting relentlessly against Hansol’s hand. The elder lifts his hips to meet him in every push, so that he gets some rubbing on his own erection too. The pleasure is mind-blowing.

As well as their pyjama t-shirts, their pants are gone quickly. Jun has snapped Hansol’s hand away not to come too quickly and pressed his hips down and up to set a slow pace, while they touch everywhere with their hands. Soon, the rhythm becomes hurried and they end kind of frotting against each other desperately, still in their underwear. The desire is too strong to take a moment to stop and get rid of it, so they don’t. Their lips meet again and it’s a mess. But even though they can’t focus in kissing anymore, they try.

When Hansol feels the firsts spasms of the orgasm hitting him he speeds the rhythm of their thrusts, arching his back up against Jun. The younger comes after him with his head buried in his neck just by hearing him groan.

After that, they take their time to regain their breath. Jun lets himself fall over Hansol, who has closed his eyes and lifted a hand to Jun’s hair to stroke it. They had already started to sweat long ago and now their bodies are sticky from both sweat and come but neither of them care.

Their first encounter has been rushed and desperate, but it is not the last. They spend the rest of the night dozing on and off, half-tangled under Hansol’s sheets, exploring each other’s bodies with both mouth and fingers, as if they want to memorize every inch. At some point, their underwear is also gone, and the contact of skin against skin is even better. So they give each other a few more orgasms throughout the night, slowly finding out what drives the other crazy. Neither of them get any real rest but Hansol has forgotten about his pain and he’s happier than ever.

 

***

 

When they finally gather the strength to get up of the bed, it’s already nine o’clock in the morning. Their plane takes off at eleven, so they hurry as much as they can. They had decided to skip breakfast, because taking a shower after last night events was a priority.

Despite Hansol’s protests, Jun helps him dress after, because he has to admit he is a real mess putting on his pants without bending his leg. Once he’s dressed from the bottom down, he sits back on the bed and lets Jun have it his way and fasten the restrainers around his leg. When he moves his leg slightly, Jun looks at him in worry he has hurt him, and Hansol stares at him from above and wonders what has he done in life to deserve this boy beside him.

Suddenly, Hansol realizes he hasn’t said the words back. He does love Jun, but he was so overwhelmed last night he forgot to confess his feelings to him. Besides, they haven’t kissed again this morning and he thinks maybe the right time has already passed. Or maybe Jun has assumed Hansol wants a physical relationship only.

That’s why when Jun is holding the door halfway open, Hansol hurries to push it with his hand until it shuts again. Jun turns around in surprise and his brow furrows. However, once Hansol lifts his hand and runs it slowly through Jun’s hair, letting it rest firmly at his nape, Jun melts into the touch. He closes the distance between them and kisses the youngest hard on the lips.

Certainly, Jun didn’t expect him to take the lead this way or kiss him at all this morning, because his eyes go wide for a moment before he lets them shut and starts kissing him back. His hands go up to Hansol’s waist automatically. Like this, Hansol tries to tell him in a kiss everything he wasn’t able to tell him the night before.

He’s not sure if he has made his point clear, so he opts for breaking the kiss and takes a step back. He’s already searching for the right words to put his feelings into, when he guesses he doesn’t need to, because he sees the realization evident in Jun’s expression. He’s wearing the brightest smile Hansol has ever seen on him and he knows there’s no need for anything else to be said.

*

When they finally step into the hallway where the rest of the group is already waiting for them, Euijin eyes them suspiciously.

  “Uh-uh, someone has had good dreams” Euijin announces to their teammates, addressing directly to Jun, who is wearing the brightest smile Hansol has ever seen in him.

“You can’t even imagine. I haven’t slept so well in ages,” he responds, his smile never fading.

“What happened to you? You didn’t come back after bringing Hansol his dinner,” Hansol hears Feeldog ask Jun.

Jun only shrugs, nonchalantly.

“I fell asleep.”

Eujin is right. Jun looks like the cat that got the cream, and he must be too.

In the way to the car, Hansol leans a little bit into Jun’s side, with the pretext that he’s injured and he needs a little help to walk. Jun slips a warm arm around his waist and lets his hand settle on a firm grip on his hip under the same pretext. He can’t get rid of the silly smile that comes with happiness, and he thinks he must be blushing too, but he doesn’t care at all.

They even share a few caresses on hands and wrists inside the car, and no one seems to notice. Hansol guesses that’s because they have kind of always behaved like that around each other, so he lets out a breath of relief he didn’t know he was holding. And he thinks this is alright. They’re going to be alright. Because being together has always worked for them. Why not this time?


End file.
